Self reflection

I realised a few things:

- If something is not meant to be yours, you won't have it no matter how hard you try.

- Self esteem is a huge problem. If you don't feel like you deserve love, you will never feel good enough for someone who loves you. 

- Karma is real. Whatever comes around, really does. Maybe I'm experiencing a karma because I've hurt someone before. If this is the pain I have to go through (and its intense), I can't imagine the pain she had to go through. I'm so sorry to her for having caused that pain. I don't know how to even make up for it, I hope that my commitment to No Contact and this karma experience can be a small make up to her pain. I've been going through a lot this year, it's like 3 layers below the bottom. 

- I still love and care for him. But it takes two hands to clap. I cannot force him to take responsibility or to take any actions. It has to come from within himself. 

- I have done enough. I am stubborn, maybe he is also stubborn. Hence we are in this situation. But anyway, I have been patient and mindful. 

- My counsellor told me that a trigger is not just a spark. It accumulates. So it is not because of my words that triggered him. It is his own fears that led to this. A fear that it won't work out anyway - that he will be hurt again.

- I have to trust the universe. I could almost hear the universe yesterday, saying "See, this is why I told you to trust the process; trust the universe!"

- My happiness comes from self validation. This period of No Contact has also been beneficial to me. I'm happier. I was happy back then, but fell into despair when the No Contact happened, but it allows me to get used to being alone again. And I feel stabilised again, and happy again. I saw the sunset today and it was stunning. There's beauty in a lot things.

- What may be suffocating now; will pass eventually. Let time pass. And let it go so that energetically, I don't pressurise him anymore. If he comes back, it's a bonus. But if not, I will find someone else anyway. I will be fine regardless of whether he's there or not. Of course, nostalgia is my poison now. But I think it is somewhat fated that I have to meet him, and fall hard for him. I'm still not sure what is the answer behind the meeting. Maybe I will only find out in the future.

- I am a green flag; and I am lovable. A possibility is that he isn't sure of himself, but he doesn't want me to move on as well. It is a selfish behaviour, but my ex has said this before, so in a way, he is clinging on by not giving a conclusive reply. 

- I still like him a lot. But then again; I have to trust the universe. I had put up a ton of filters, and he got through my shields. Water activities, my medical condition, my 2nd language. If he got through them all but it still doesn't work out, maybe he has some criteria or there is some work that has to be done before we can even take a step further. Either I manage to meet someone else even better, or he has the determination to correct it.

- Love requires Action. Trust requires proof. 

- I can miss someone, but not let him step all over me. 

- Sometimes, love is not enough. This is like a classic example. Crazy how movies actually were partially right. Because we loved each other, wanted each other, and somehow it still doesn't work out. Maybe it needs this break to allow each other to work on ourselves in terms of self care, before we can care for one another. 

- I still love him. Its okay to still love him, my feelings are valid. But I should slowly let go, to create a space for someone else to come in. He came in unexpectedly; and left unexpectedly. This is truly the hardship of Life.

- I should do what I feel is best for myself. It doesn't matter about dignity or whatever. If I feel that I need to do something, I should do it. That will help me to move on. 

- I'm happy to be single, to be myself. I don't need a relationship or him to be happy. I liked the way he made me feel, but ultimately, I should continue to love myself. I'm so strong for getting through this period of darkness. Only better things will await me! 

- Better things as in whatever the universe deems as a gift, or deems that is meant for me.

- I love myself. For being so courageous to seek mental help. Even though I still have doubts about being vulnerable especially since I'm so emotionally wounded, I think I can still communicate effectively. And for soldering on, despite the despair I felt. You're so amazing for being so self aware, open, kind and patient. You know that you don't need everyone to like you; you're just authentic. It's amazing truly.

- Everyone has different sides. Just because of this, it doesn't mean that the side I saw over the past few weeks was fake. It just showed a different side of him. His weaker, selfish side.

- We all deserve love. But it does not mean that a sob story will help to pardon all the hurt inflicted on others around you. You had a choice to not inflict that pain. If not, seek help. 

- Trust that it all will work out in the end and enjoy yourself.

Pros and cons of overseas program

 Pros:

1. New life experience

2. Immersion in Japanese Culture and Way of Life

3. Empowerment i.e. freedom to do what I want (outside of work hours)

4. Break from heartache, anxiety, family triggers, pressure for relationship

5. Independence by living alone

6. Tarot videos/ reading says it's a gift from the Universe to set the groundwork for better things to come

7. Travel around during the program (more time)

8. Learning Japanese language (thrown there)

9. Can use this to show my versatility/ adaptability + knowledge of japanese market in resume for global companies

Cons:

1. Lack of financial independence (cuz salary is low)

2. Lack of emotional support (but can form one over there)

3. Environment differences I.e. earthquakes, etc

4. Change in career I.e. teaching. Don't know if I can cope with children/teenagers/ different social expectations 

5. Lose my current job which is currently higher paying but lack of fulfilment, and doing a pay cut

6. Blacklist from a reputable company which may not look good in resume

7. Away from my family (lose time with my mom, fam in general)

8. Putting relationships on hold (smaller pool of compatible guys when I'm back)

9. Lower salary when I'm back (may be harder to secure a job unless I play the global market knowledge cards...?)

Ghosting Reflection

 Why am I so hard on myself? When things got hard, my first instinct was not to bail. That is a green flag. I'm a mature dater. If I ran everytime relationships got complicated, I'd never be in a long term relationship. I went to work and try to figure out if I can manage conflict together, feel harmony after disharmony, and I know, grow and evolve.

Relationships are messy, awkward, and exhausting sometimes but there is a major payoff if I can figure out together. I am the reason relationships last. I am the glue that keeps people together. I am the sweetie who gives the benefit of doubt because that what needs to happen in healthy relationships. Enough with the "I was so weak, desperate, blind and I should have known earlier", and embrace that I saw the good in the relationship and wanted to give it a fair shot and I'm proud for trying my best and I learnt a lot about myself and what I want in the future relationships. 

I need to reflect and think about why I was so attached to him.

1. I just broke up in May last year, and started talking to him in Nov, which was 6 months after. I remember that I was sexually frustrated in between, and then focused on working out to help myself feel good about myself. I felt very low confidence about my body, hence I started signing up gyms, and went for it. I started meeting up with friends, lamented about how close we were to celebrating 3 years together. I started looking at other guys, and deciding to talk to more guys to realise there's better guys than my ex. It worked, I started talking to him and I thought to myself that this is how I wanted to be treated. 

2. I miss the feeling of his presence. We talked, and were comfortable with silence. He was not too energetic, he followed the flow when I wanted to do things. Having one stubborn person is enough. It is easy to do things with him. I didn't need to talk a lot.

3. I miss his attention. When he sent me home and chilled with me for at least an hour before he took an hour train back home. Sometimes he'd even miss his own train and took a Grab. He let me cuddle, and he cuddled me by kissing my hair. We intertwined our fingers, and I felt even closer to him and his heart. He also calls me "my girl", "bb", "qt". When he said he was scared he cannot control himself, I was flattered. To me, it meant that he really wanted me and wanted to fuck me as much as I wanted him to fuck me. He's a handsome man, so it is truly flattering that I made him feel that way.

4. I miss his touch. He loves to nonchalantly squeeze my left butt, and sometimes giving it a light pat. I didn't mind it, because it felt so good when he squeezed it, and said it was bouncy. Sometimes when he does it outside, it felt like he was claiming to others that I'm his.

5. I miss his act of service. He'd always hold my bags, he held my hand very tightly everytime we go out. He'd help to translate, he would notice the small things I needed like tissue, water bottle, and would walk around to buy it. 

6. I miss his compassion and calm personality. He loves fishes and plants, and would go all out to research on them. It is extremely cute. He is compassionate about animals, esp cats and I love love love cats. 

Now I need to face the red flags.

1. His effort started dipping in mid Jan onwards. He said he was tired from travelling from one end to another. I still give him the benefit of doubt because it is truly tiring. But it started triggering my insecurity since we were not official. I started wondering if he cared about me. He said he had no energy to even go out. Texting also went downhill.

2. His broken promises. Firstly, he was okay to accompany me to the blood donation, but when the day came, his excuse was "I don't feel like going out tomorrow". I couldn't see the commitment that he'd be there even if it inconveniences him. He wanted to be there only when he's able to - basically it was all about his own convenience. Secondly, the HK call. I made it clear that I really wanted to call him, and he agreed. However, he was too tired and went to bed 1 hour later. Again, I couldn't see him proving to me that he'll be there despite inconveniences. And now the ghosting part despite his promises that he'd get back to me by 24 Mar.

3. Even when we're together, sometimes he'd want to look at things that interest him. I enjoyed watching him get passionate about plants and fishes, but it is almost like using phone when we're together. Sometimes, there's a sense of disconnect.

4. I noted that he would run away or get quiet whenever things get uncomfortable, even on texts. He'd divert to other topics when he senses discomfort/conflict. It is an avoidant strategy.

5. Insensitive words sometimes. I shared my concern that I'd like him to put in some effort to ask me out, then he said "Then don't be official". It hurt me and made me wonder if he was just trying to please me back then, and wasn't serious about me. 

6. Not good at verbalising his thoughts. I've mentioned to him before that I don't know what he's thinking about. He didn't share his thoughts and I didn't force him to, out of respect.

7. Expectation that his partner will be his sole confidant, but he needs to remember that it is still important to have a support group because a partner will definitely 100% fail him. He cannot just rely on his partner, but ofc personal thoughts can be shared. 

8. Alone time: he places a lot emphasis on alone time, because it helps him to recharge. But he failed to consider about the people left behind. There needs to be a compromise on how he can still meet their needs, so that he can be left alone. For example, still dropping a text everyday so that the other person knows he is still around. Also, he needs to acknowledge messages from the other person.

9. Excuses (?). He said he's not good at accountability because his family doesn't practise it. Even if that is the case, you shouldn't follow the wrong way. For example, if people jump off the cliff, then do you follow? He's not willing to work on himself even though I tried nudging him to go CHAT and counselling. I sensed that he felt worthless, not a good partner, etc. It could be a sign of depression. He recognised it, but still does nothing about it. He said it'd be harmful to his energy - but he didn't even try.

What am I missing now that he was giving to me?

1. Attention to myself

2. Kindness to myself

3. Love to myself

I need to give myself a safe space, to love myself. To be okay to be alone, and not get triggered by the Hot/Cold. He's truly an avoidant (with symptoms of depression). It's ultimately toxic in the end because I got triggered a lot. He needs to work on himself.

Protector of your heart

 1. Because to be desired is not the same thing as to be valued. You cannot build a relationship with someone who doesn't value you - they ignore your texts, they ignore your bids for connection, and they refuse to have hard conversations with you and talk about the future. They're not interested in truly understanding you.

2. It is not your job to try to convince someone to value you, commit to you, or love you. Your job is to be the protector of your heart, boundaries, and values. And you must challenge yourself to be that protector.

Self Love

Tonight, I feel better. I was reading MGNB, and I am reminded that self love is so important. 

I should stop worrying about finding love, and continue loving myself. 

I've gotten myself too attached too early. I should use this chance to take a step back, and focus on myself. 

Right now, I need to focus on getting my diet right, and anxiety under control. 

The person for me, will be there through my ups and downs. I want to enjoy his hobbies, give him personal space if needed, pick him up when he's down, support his decisions, make him laugh, tolerate his antics, make him feel loved and wanted, give kindness and not ask anything back.

I think because I laid down my past, my scars, my fears, I became worried that he'd leave me because of that. But that's okay, it'd help me weed out the people not up to dating me.

I might have rushed things too much, but the uncertainty of not having a label triggered my anxiety. 

I have to be okay to give personal space, and let the person come around. I don't expect to be disrespected too, it still needs to be a reasonable amount of time. 

I will work more on myself, to not let my emotions get the better of me until they've earned my vulnerability. 

It's definitely a WIP :) but I'm doing much better! I think regardless of whatever that happens, my charm broke so as to ward off the evil, and I think I'm ready for whatever that comes next. It won't be good news perhaps, but I'll take that the "evil" aka the negative decision that may lead to a worse outcome, has seen itself out of the door. So whatever that happens, is meant to happen. 

I won't pursue it anymore and I'll let it unfold. In the meantime, I shall continue to love myself.

Rants

 My demons are back. 

I can't think, I'm scared. 

Scared of being abandoned, like I once told my ex. Somehow this is hurting me more than my previous. 

Maybe because I had not seen this coming at all in this manner. My thoughts are filled with regrets like: I shouldn't have gone to HK. I shouldn't have not replied out of pettiness. I should have been more patient. 

I'm fucking scared to be let go. I know there's people out there, but I think we had something beautiful. 

I could be ignoring all the red flags. I went to dig and realised the severe lack of effort from the first month. He was able to text till 1.30am! Now he barely texts. 

I have given him cheek kisses on the last meet up, and I fucking regret showing how much I liked him before I flew. 

I regret giving him a second chance to ask me out because I thought he wasn't ready and did not want to be disappointed when I come back to realise that he didn't plan anything. 

I miss our touches, his squeezes on my butt, his cuddles, and hair sniffs. I was so sure about him, but now I am not. 

No explanations, just vanished by saying he had to gather his thoughts and that he'd reply later. I'm going to throw out his dragon candy, despite my efforts high and low to find it. I'm tortured. 

I don't know what to say even if he asked me out in the end. Forgive him, and set some boundaries? What if he breaks it again? I told him not to go mia, to give me a sign but he did not do it. Maybe he forgot? Do I have to keep making excuses?

Do I assume that this is as good as over? I have 13 more days, but my mindset now is a huge turmoil. It's so unfair to me, do I assume that he's reconsidering the relationship, and if yes, it is my turn to reconsider it. 

These 13 days are not just for him, it is a break for me to consider if I still want to continue. My answer is a conditional no.

Scenario 1: he doesn't want to continue 

Answer 1: pass the dragon candy and say good luck

Scenario 2: he wants to continue 

Answer 2: find out why he mia suddenly without any timeline, how his action makes me think and feel (damn shit, wondering what I did wrong). If he just says "understand, won't do that again", do I make it clear that this is non negotiable? Yes I will make it fking non negotiable. Do it without any heads up (>24 hrs) and I will call it off. Too bad, I'm a mf bitch who needs stability.

Scenario 3: he wants to continue but doesn't want to improve himself

Answer 3: pass the dragon candy and say good luck

Scenario 4: ghost

Answer 4: throw the fking dragon candy/ give to relatives to finish.

I hate you B. You study psychology, and you are 3 yrs older. Do you not know what are the implications you are doing to someone? Fking half assed. Don't know if you actually need 2 weeks. 

Hope you can wake your idea up whether you're with me or not. Hope your friends slap some senses in you to realise that you don't deserve a relationship if you continue your fking self pity party. Nobody deserves to go through what I am going through now.

New path

 I've connected with a new person on 17 Nov, and started chatting with him since 22 Nov. I first noticed how observant he was when he spotted the link, and it didn't turn him off. 

We arranged to meet on 7 Dec for the first time, and I noted that he felt awkward, yet we still continued the conversation and went off for dessert. At the cafe, what struck me as wholesome was when he started folding paper cranes using the receipt. I know it's weird, but it was effing cute. I helped him, and somehow I got a peek into what teamwork between us would be like.

It felt like I could stand on my own feet to support him, yet he was there to take the lead when necessary. 

We also talked about my lack of 2nd language, and he taught me kindly without losing his patience. I got a glimpse into his personality just like that. He had a really cute smile.

We arranged for the second date for xlb, and that's when I noted how he was very considerate. We talked about his favorite soccer, and went for dessert. This time, we challenged ourselves to fold two paper cranes and two frogs.

3rd date, my friend had extra tickets for an exhibition which she couldn't go. She gave them to us, and we went. I scraped my heels, and he helped to paste the plasters for me. We went window shopping and smelt scents. I realised that our taste in scents are very similar. I was very happy about it. He later told me much later on that I've shown him my smexy side and that I was very pretty that day.

The 4th date was when the spark between us rocketed so high. The chemistry between us felt unreal. This time, I told him that we could do whatever he wanted, and he chose fishes and plants. He wanted to purchase some plants for the aquarium he owned, so we visited a small shop that he frequented. It was really memorable, being surrounded by the spectrum of colors. We then visited the fish farm near his home and pointed out more fishes. He threw his arm around my shoulder for a brief moment, and I was stunned by his gesture. 

In the shuttle bus, we passed by the cemetery and he picked up my emotions. He asked me what happened and I told him about the suicide of my very close friend. I wasn't expecting him to say much and he didn't, but he offered a bit of a perspective that I agreed with him. 

We went for impromptu bowling, and we laughed a lot at my shitty skills. He tried to hype me up, but to no avail. He sent me home, and we chatted till 1am. He told me about his background, and all I thought was that it was very similar to my ex, but in a better place. 

5th date, we went to the beach. He helped to buy takeaway food while I was late. We sat, I took out my umbrella, and we had a htht talk again about goals. I had a goal about self reliance, and he asked me was it because I'm very dependent and I said no. It was more of financial resources as I needed to support myself. He also had that goal in mind, but it was different. He wanted no authority to influence him. We then guessed about each other's life purposes, and I guessed that he wanted to be a pillar of support in his loved ones lives. He looked at me, and said "I've never thought about it that way." 

I told him more things that I regretted, and he listened. On the way back, he held my hands and I felt some butterflies. When he sent me home that night, he hugged and kissed my hair, and said "Don't worry about what you told me this afternoon, it doesn't change anything for me." I was very touched. Nobody had treated me so gently like this person. 

6th date; we sat at the cafe that I frequented and he loved the matcha latte. I taught him to play a game. We then went for more window shopping (despite planning to go for concerts initially), and caught a late movie. I gave in to my desire to cling to him for warmth (and touch). He behaved appropriately, and gave me a reassuring squeeze on the hand. God, this man is such a dream, and sexy as hell.

Whenever I see him, I just wanted to give him all my love, and show him that he deserves it. He has been through a lot of bad stuffs, and I feel that I care a lot about him. He makes me want to keep him happy (his smile, his consideration).

He told me on text that my personality was his type: laidback, kind hearted, conscientious and open minded. I think I did struck off his checklist for looks as well, but I just cannot stand the sight of myself, looking oily and all. I rly hope to take a picture with him one day, but only when I'm more comfortable with myself.

We took a personality quiz, and our core identity is very similar, and love as well. It's crazy how things progresses so well at this point. He's so similar to me that we can relate and understand each other quite well. He's supportive of what I want to do, but at the same time I want to stay so that I can still be with him. But I'd want to continue to improve myself to be a better partner for him.

He deserves my adoration and love (at this point). I needed emotional intimacy, and he's able to give that to me.

He's cute, empathetic, and considerate. I'd love to see how we go from hereon.